Why do people succumb to anger?
It feels so easy to slip into its grasp. But at the same time, from a distance, it looks quite stupid. Aren't we overreacting? What's the point of hitting one another, yelling at one another, going to war with one another? Yet when are up close, immersed in anger, we feel nothing but blissful rage, if that makes sense. Sweet revenge empowers us. Makes us feel as if we are at the top of the world. Maybe it is a survival mechanism. But I sure wish it weren't.
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Fear and Pain
Today, me and my good old FPA buddy went to VA hospital for a simulation lab. It was a simulation of an operating room. Being afraid of blood, needles, and hospitals I was a bit shaky. Literally.
There was an operating table with a dummy which was breathing, moving, TALKING. It was freaky. I felt giddy, light headed. I told myself to calm down. I didn't faint, thank God. I think it was my curiosity about the stuff Dr. Howard the anesthesiologist from STANFORDD, was talking about that kept me in one piece.
I guess I am exposing myself to pain, to suffering, so I am not afraid of it anymore. I keep wondering why I am afraid. What have I to fear from blood and a needle? I think it is the pain that I see and feel that causes it.
What is there to fear from pain then? It comes and goes. Maybe it stays longer than you like, but you can always ignore it...
Today I also got fitted for hard contacts. They said that they'd put numbing drops. And then I felt scared that it would hurt, but then it didn't. I don't know how to overcome fear if I don't even know what it is in the first place. I know I have nothing to worry about, but why do I worry?
Last night, I went to Merit, my bro's favorite restaurant. It's Vietnamese and vegan. For some reason, I keep choking on something there. First time, it was broccoli. Yesterday it was celery. It was just stuck, wouldn't go up or down... I don't even know if it was choking 'cause in the end I swallowed it, which means that it wasn't in my windpipe... or was it? I don't know. I didn't feel scared then. I realized I could die, but then I didn't really feel scared... Is death something to fear? Why do I not really feel scared of it, and instead fear pain? Are death and pain one? For some reason, my brain doesn't think so...
I don't know what I'll be when I grow up. I want to do something with bio, chem, and writing. Maybe I'll write a science novel. Nonfic. :D
Yesterday I was reading "The Miracle Worker", a play in a friend's textbook. It was how Annie Sullivan taught Hellen Keller to communicate with the world. That really intrigued me. How does it feel to lack a sense? I already sort of feel it with my bad vision... The blind don't have to see the temporary, they get to see their own self beneath closed eyes. The deaf get to hear the good sound of silence. That senseless void is so..attracting. I have no clue why. I guess I will enjoy only certain sensual pleasures. I don't want to get too engrossed in my senses...
I talked to my uncle today in the morning. It was chill. But I wish I had spent my time with him better. Now he's in India, free. I'm stuck here...with pointless subjects, unnecessary competition, and mouths that will not shut up. I think the one of the only things I like about where I am is the creek.
At the Creek
I close my eyes and I am at the creek.
On my rock.
Toes in the creek.
Richard Preston book in my lap.
I stare up.
I see trees.
I see leaves.
I see a fly.
I smile.
Nature accepts me for who I am.
Nature doesn't care about who I look.
Nature doesn't care that my teeth are yellow,
that my hair is tangled,
that I have worn the same thing that I have worn yesterday.
I am not alone.
I am never alone.
I am with Nature.
[I was tempted to say "NATIONWIDE IS ON YOUR SIDE" AND WISELY DECIDED NOT TO...]
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Fear and Pain
Today, me and my good old FPA buddy went to VA hospital for a simulation lab. It was a simulation of an operating room. Being afraid of blood, needles, and hospitals I was a bit shaky. Literally.
There was an operating table with a dummy which was breathing, moving, TALKING. It was freaky. I felt giddy, light headed. I told myself to calm down. I didn't faint, thank God. I think it was my curiosity about the stuff Dr. Howard the anesthesiologist from STANFORDD, was talking about that kept me in one piece.
I guess I am exposing myself to pain, to suffering, so I am not afraid of it anymore. I keep wondering why I am afraid. What have I to fear from blood and a needle? I think it is the pain that I see and feel that causes it.
What is there to fear from pain then? It comes and goes. Maybe it stays longer than you like, but you can always ignore it...
Today I also got fitted for hard contacts. They said that they'd put numbing drops. And then I felt scared that it would hurt, but then it didn't. I don't know how to overcome fear if I don't even know what it is in the first place. I know I have nothing to worry about, but why do I worry?
Last night, I went to Merit, my bro's favorite restaurant. It's Vietnamese and vegan. For some reason, I keep choking on something there. First time, it was broccoli. Yesterday it was celery. It was just stuck, wouldn't go up or down... I don't even know if it was choking 'cause in the end I swallowed it, which means that it wasn't in my windpipe... or was it? I don't know. I didn't feel scared then. I realized I could die, but then I didn't really feel scared... Is death something to fear? Why do I not really feel scared of it, and instead fear pain? Are death and pain one? For some reason, my brain doesn't think so...
I don't know what I'll be when I grow up. I want to do something with bio, chem, and writing. Maybe I'll write a science novel. Nonfic. :D
Yesterday I was reading "The Miracle Worker", a play in a friend's textbook. It was how Annie Sullivan taught Hellen Keller to communicate with the world. That really intrigued me. How does it feel to lack a sense? I already sort of feel it with my bad vision... The blind don't have to see the temporary, they get to see their own self beneath closed eyes. The deaf get to hear the good sound of silence. That senseless void is so..attracting. I have no clue why. I guess I will enjoy only certain sensual pleasures. I don't want to get too engrossed in my senses...
I talked to my uncle today in the morning. It was chill. But I wish I had spent my time with him better. Now he's in India, free. I'm stuck here...with pointless subjects, unnecessary competition, and mouths that will not shut up. I think the one of the only things I like about where I am is the creek.
At the Creek
I close my eyes and I am at the creek.
On my rock.
Toes in the creek.
Richard Preston book in my lap.
I stare up.
I see trees.
I see leaves.
I see a fly.
I smile.
Nature accepts me for who I am.
Nature doesn't care about who I look.
Nature doesn't care that my teeth are yellow,
that my hair is tangled,
that I have worn the same thing that I have worn yesterday.
I am not alone.
I am never alone.
I am with Nature.
[I was tempted to say "NATIONWIDE IS ON YOUR SIDE" AND WISELY DECIDED NOT TO...]
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